How Wegman’s Pistachio Ice Cream Changed My Life: A Review

Recently my boss told me I should try Wegman’s pistachio ice cream and I really like my job so I bought some. “It will change your life,” he said. I should note that I am not a huge fan of ice cream. I know. I would rather eat a big bowl of gravy. I also think Legacies is way better than The Vampire Diaries, so I’m sure there’s something fundamentally wrong with me.

I got the 1-pint container because I couldn’t find any other size, I have no room in my freezer (thanks Stouffer’s!), and pistachio ice cream is a little bit expensive. I paid $4.29, but I might have gotten it cheaper if I had ventured into the cold to get it instead of ordering it to be delivered to my home (thanks Instacart Brian!)

I decided to eat it after a few hours of proofreading assignment sheets when I probably should have eaten a meal with nutrients. However, it often takes time to prepare nutrients, so I reached for the ice cream instead. It did not disappoint.

The Good: It has a lot of pistachios. A lot. And even though it reads “pistachio pieces” on the packaging, these are full-size pistachios. It also has only pistachios. Often other annoying sibling nuts try to tag along wherever the pistachio goes, but this ice cream is too cool for that. This ice cream has ditched the almonds to go smoke in the school bathroom at lunch (note: don’t smoke, it’s not cool, it’s bad for you).

The ice cream itself is also really good. It’s not too sweet, incredibly creamy, and soft enough to dig into without breaking a plastic spoon. Yes, I use a plastic spoon and eat out of the container because I’m always depressed and can’t bring myself to do dishes on the same day I have to exist as a person in the world.

Existential dread

Note the images above to see the effects of the ice cream. On the top, I am full of existential dread, contemplating how tiny I am on this relatively small planet in a vast universe that doesn’t care about me or pistachio ice cream or Legacies. On the bottom I am happy-ish. Considering I don’t usually go for ice cream, this is impressive. I ate quite a lot of the pint.

The Bad: The only fault I can find is the price, which is admittedly not as high as other pistachio ice creams or even a small bag of pistachios. Unfortunately I’m just one of those posh people who has expensive tastes, which is why I need to become famous for teaching so I can get endorsement deals (hopefully from Wegman’s pistachio ice cream).

So did it change my life? My partner gets annoyed with me often for my Amelia Bedelia literal interpretations, but technically every experience changes our lives in some way so the question then shifts to how has this changed my life. For one, I have discovered a new favorite ice cream. I will likely purchase ice cream more regularly and I might start hiding the ice cream in the back of the freezer so my partner does not find it. So I guess this experience has expanded my choices and made me more selfish. I will likely also work harder at becoming a famous professor so that I can snag an endorsement deal and pay for more ice cream.

I give Wegman’s pistachio ice cream five plastic spoons because that’s how many I think I will use to eat the ice cream until it is gone.


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